Really why the strong desire for approval from people and being loved always goes wrong ways

I visited FedEx yesterday for some reason.

I had a conversation with one of the clerks there and he taught me the most important lesson of life.

Today, I would like to share what I learned from that conversation.


This article is about.

  • Those who always want to be accepted and liked by others.
  • Those who are struggling with relationships.
  • Those who are always worried about what others think of them.
  • Those who want to know why they can’t admit themselves.

This article is for those who want to know why they can’t admit to themselves.


The conversation with the clerks started with the hair salon and eventually turned into a life discussion.


I had never met him before, and I didn’t expect to have such a deep conversation with him at FedEx, it was just a moment of  “a scene from one of my usual daily life.”

It was a very good time and a moment when I felt like I had a friend with whom I could share the important things in life with each other.


He had a very pleasant and straightforward personality, with a very strong core, and his customer service was very pleasant. He had a clean haircut, so I was curious about where he got his hair job done, and after asking him about it.

We hit it off over something.


That he was talking about based on “Real Recognize Real.”

To sum it up simply, a real man recognizes real things.

That’s what it means.


I have been living my life worrying about how I am evaluated compared to others and how I can be loved and recognized.

I think most of us probably have that kind of need for approval.

I have always been concerned about how I am evaluated and viewed by my parents, my lover, my friends, my relationships at work, and the people I meet in various places.

I thought that to be valued, I had to be better than others.


For example,

Socializing with friends.

Even if I was having a bad time in a social situation, I always pretended to be a nice person because I wanted to be liked by those around me. I want to be recognized, so I left nice comments as always even though I didn’t think so.

At work.

I always want to be considered a good worker, so I work long hours(with nothing) to be told that I’m good at what I do.

In love.

To make my partner feel my value, I try to test someone by acting like a busy man by not returning their calls. I want to be loved, so I go to exclusive restaurants, take them to some five star hotels with surprise, and spend a lot of money.


In this way, I kept pretending to be something I am not in order for someone to think I am great and to feel my value.

And what happened after that?

I started to have empty relationships where I couldn’t say what I really felt, work I didn’t want to do, I bought extra unnecessaries stuff, and all those kinds of things.


I was like a weak man with these kinds of relationships that I had to crowd them in order to survive.

And because I was so desperate to make myself look good, I would compare and blame each other. Even though I don’t like that style of relationships with my friends.


Because people who don’t know their self-worth in their mind, they can only create value by comparing themselves with others.

So it feels that they have to be seen as superior to others in order to feel great, so they’re using the condescension and condemnation of others, without which they feel defeated and worthless and they never feel they are great.


In fact, It’s natural because it creates a fear of not being accepted by others for who you really are.


Because of that I was always anxious about what would happen if they didn’t like me, and I was weak and fragile, I chose to live in groups, and by not saying no to them, I was bending to my core.

So, I was living in opposition to my true self.

I called for and lived in the opposite of what I really needed, and by doing so, I became more and more oblivious to what I valued.

I lost my sense of self-worth and became self-doubting.



And then…

The next thing that happened was that the lack of self-confidence made it impossible for me to live only within a certain set of values that the other person demanded of me.


For example, I always hung out with the same members or Japanese people. This is because they feel safe because they are Japanese, and they value the idea of being part of a group.

This is a state of not trying to see the true nature of people.

This makes it impossible to see the true nature of people and creates a big wall in communication between them and others. This creates selfish stereotypes, such as “this person is safe” and “other people are dangerous.”


Especially in the U.S., we may easily feel this way because of the reality that we perceive each other as different people, such as in cafes where only Asians are, bars where only Mexicans are, and restaurants where only whites or blacks are.


We feel that we are divided into groups, and that we value each other as different groups.

Perhaps because of this, it is common in the U.S. for people to ask “Where are you from?” And often, people are judged based on stereotypes.

I sometimes felt that they did not look at me, which is the most important thing. Of course, there are some people who don’t care to talk about such things at all.

I think they can already see the truth.


It was desirable to be loved and accepted.

I was so desperate to be loved and accepted that I struggled to meet the standards of the crowd, lost my originality and uniqueness, and even became unable to see the true nature of the other person.


Having fallen so far, I decided to focus on myself. Isolated from others.

Because I realized why I feel so lonely because of where these feelings are from our society. So I decided to concentrate on myself, and once away from all the crowds.

Instead of trying to stabilize my mind by associating with others, I started weight training, meditation, reading books, and doing things that made me feel happy and not overwhelmed.


Once I realized that I was happy enough just to accept myself, even if other people didn’t, I did accept myself.

I started to feel happy doing things on my own.

In the beginning, I thought I would be lonely camping alone, but now I don’t think about it at all.


I am not afraid of crowds either.

Once I learned how to face myself and enjoy myself, my feelings changed to be more positive.


I used to care about and be concerned about where I came from, what I can do, and how I can do it.

I don’t really care where I come from, what I can do, or how much I have.

I am who I am.


When I started to think of myself that way, I was finally able to know and recognize the importance of my own values and purpose.

It doesn’t matter what is going on around me. If I am passionate about something now, and I am on fire for it, then it is all good.


These are not self-centered.

It is, Yes, “Real Recognize Real.”


Wherever you are, whoever you are in contact with, be yourself, be your true self.

Keep in mind that there are no false words, no false actions.

Always be true to yourself.

Do not flatter yourself in order to be recognized or included by someone else, or to receive pleasure or stimulation.

Create that vitality and stimulation yourself.

Life will suddenly become more enjoyable.


By doing so, we can change the world of groupings.

We can realize that it is okay to be an individual.

We can hang out with any human being, and it doesn’t matter what other people say.


Especially in situations of racism and identity denial.

Be strong. Express yourself without pretense.


No matter what the situation, if there is someone who knows who you really are in the other person, he or she will recognize our value for being who you are without pretense.

Those who know the truth will recognize you.


There are many people who believe that we are one and the same, born on the same earth.

We don’t need to deal with people who judge or condemn others based on their economic power, fame, or skin color.

There are many people who value other things more.

When it comes dead to bones, it doesn’t matter what politics, history, or color you are, we are all the same human.


By living your life without pretending to be something you’re not.

I can be sure that the other people I’m talking to are also people who value the same idea, “my core”,

And, even if I belong to a different group than they do, we can both recognize each other, respect each other, and agree on each other’s existence.


In that relationship, there is no need for me to be, I do not need to be anything.


I am a living being on the earth, and that alone is enough for me to be accepted and allowed to exist.

When I realize that, I am fulfilled.


Those who boast about their success by relying on something other than themselves, such as a big house, a nice car, friends with celebrities, etc., as if they are successful, and those who condemn the value of those who do not have such things or have different values, have not matured in their minds and still do not know their real self-worth.

No matter how much they try to mend their appearance with external elements, it will be a false appearance that disguises their real self-worth, and it will look very funny to those who really know their own value. Real people will see right through them. And they don’t care about them. Because no one wouldn’t want to be associated with a fake, would you?


So, yes.

I used to think that the only way I could find my value was by building up those external elements. And I used to think that the only way to fulfill myself was to be accepted and loved by others.

However, once I recognized my own self-worth, I started doing what I loved.


I was able to do what I wanted and enjoy the energy that came from within me more and more, and I was able to change.


To be my authentic self, I had to do what you wanted to do without pretense. Just be yourself, without asking the other person’s face, without trying to fit in. There is no need to be overly selfish or self-centered.

You can be who you are.

The most important thing in life is to always be yourself.


There will always be people who think that’s great.

If you are struggling with your value or meaning of existence, I encourage you to feel yourself as you are.

I would be happy if you could feel yourself as you are and cherish the feelings that overflow from within you. If you can live with that as your vitality, you will surely have the best life possible.


Those who can see it are aware of you and are watching you.

He or she may not even realize it.

You are already loved and accepted.


After that FedEx conversation with him, I, too, am once again reminded of the importance of not comparing yourself to others.

I am now able to feel happiness in my life.

I want to try to feel happiness in my daily life without comparing myself with others.


Thank you for reading.



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